1): FROM MERGER TO INTEGRATION:
MAKE ROOM FOR “I”: Your partner fell in love with YOU, not “we.” No offense to Jerry Maguire, but the goal is not for your partner to “complete” you. It’s about being connected AND separate. It is from this place that we connect with our inner source of love within, allowing for greater flow to share with our lover. Our partnership then enhances our life versus defining it.
MAKE ROOM FOR “WE”
Integration is also about transitioning from being totally self-focused, into making room for partnership that requires loving consideration on a daily basis. It’s about creating a win/win formula to living a wonderful life together.
ALLOW ROOM FOR GROWTH
Sometimes communication can become stagnant or we feel stuck, while our partner is soaring…or we can be fixed in how we see them. Nothing is static in life. Everything changes. We must allow room for Personal, Partner and Collective Growth. To fully integrate, anticipation and support for a fluid personal and collective growth process is essential for optimal happiness together.
2): FROM NEGLECT TO NURTURING:
“I CHOOSE US” After the infatuation wears off, many of us know what it feels like to start focusing on the disappointments and “sweating the small stuff.” Next time, affirm to one another…”I choose us.” See how quickly it can transform where you put your attention and priorities, and experience how much more intimacy and joy springs forth.
FOCUS ON HAVES Versus Have Nots. Energy goes where energy flows. Remember why you fell in love…and why you chose your beloved. Love is a feeling, but being in love is a feeling we have about the person AND the relationship. It needs to be nurtured and revitalized to keep romance alive and evolving. Focus on what you have, and it will expand.
FROM ROUTINE TO RE-KINDLING: “Small Graces” are the little ways we show kindness, respect, admiration and consideration for one another. If you want to get back the juice in your relationship, give and receive these small graces every day. What do you know that makes your partner feel seen and loved? Whether it’s flowers, a card “just because,” a massage, a brief squeeze/kiss/look in the eye, doing an errand just for them, calling just to tell them you love them, surprises, a candlelit dinner, or anything else under the sun…do it…they’ll be so happy you did and so will you. On the flip side, call in your receiving energy, so that you can openly, gracefully and joyfully receive their grace notes to you as well. In doing so, you are nourished and give back to them the joy of giving.
3): FROM KEEPING SCORE TO GIVING MORE
Taking on the role of martyr by always giving and requiring nothing in return is not the answer. But when you have two people loving and giving from a place of pure love and no other….magic happens.
BE TBE THE CHANGE you want to see in your relationship. If you want more of “something” in a relationship, start with giving what you want to receive. If you want more patience, be patient. If you want more affection….express your love more demonstratively. Watch what happens.
4): FROM HURTING TO HEALING:
Good partnership offers a mirror for personal growth. After all, who knows us better than who we live with? When there is conflict, which is inevitable in most relationships, there is so much that you can use for your individual and collective advantage. Every perceived “problem” is a wonderful opportunity for growth, and to break through if you choose to use it.
FROM COMPLAINING TO COMMUNICATING
When we push down feelings, what we resist persists. What we bottle it up will blow eventually. Try this very effective exercise when experiencing conflict with your partner: Each person talks one at a time, answering the central question “What was your experience?” The idea isn’t for one to convince the other that he/she is “right.” It’s about fixing the problem, not about blame. That requires active listening, which is about hearing what the person you love experienced. You don’t have to agree with their perceptions to empathize. Your ability to see and feel from your beloved’s perspective, and he to yours, is very powerful. It builds greater trust that you can confront an initially challenging situation together and get to a higher ground of profound healing.
TAKING OWNERSHIP:
Self-Directed Versus Other Directed: This involves our power to make ourselves whole and happy, rather than holding others responsible for that. Whenever you hear yourself saying, “You are making me miserable and it is your fault because….”…..these are clues that you detoured from the inter-dependent track onto a co-dependent one. There is a difference between healthy reliance and debilitating dependence.
The Art of Apology & Power of Forgiveness: This is about our capacity for self-reflection and the ability to release resentments or any desire for retribution. When we can look our beloved in the eyes with a genuine expression of apology and/or forgiveness, it builds a strong foundation made up of deep trust, understanding and resiliency.
5): FROM BUBBLE TO BIG PICTURE:
There is a Kabbalistic teaching that when relationships are linear, their focus is on the energy between them going back and forth. This often creates stagnation, boredom, and a desire for outside distractions. The teaching suggests that partnering with a higher level of consciousness means that we understand that this union is not just “about us.” Enlightened and strong partnerships utilize the relationship to be in service for the greater good. Instead of the exclusive focus on two individuals, the “union” includes connection to the “Light of the Creator.” This enhances the foundation of each individual, strengthening the couple’s bond, while empowering this partnership to spread its goodwill to others. Thus, the partnership becomes a vibrant participant dedicated to the wellbeing of all living things. This nourishes both individuals and brings them home…rekindling the divine spark that brought them together in the first place.
as i read this article many types of relationships crossed my mind…. beyond the category “marriage”. it is a foundation for learning to communicate and share in meaningful ways across the board there are those of us with significant others who appreciate the advice contained in the article. well beyond the minutia of marriage vs. partner vs. significant other vs. simply dating, and with few changes, this could be filed under parent child for the parenting of a child as well as in later years, for the parenting by an adult child of the parent – filed under the art of meaningful friendship as well – to name just a few . thanks. i’ll be back to re-read it often. d
You are SO right Donna!~
Very encouraging suggestion for future posts…thank you!