Many hearts spent last weekend celebrating the good feelings that go along with Mother’s Day, namely recognition of and appreciation for our mothers. Others try to avoid it all together, while some may be trying to access, gain more insight into and heal the deprivation they may still feel, and that may still hurt.
So on the heels of this one day a year when our collective focus is on Mothers, I’m still thinking about Mama love, Mama Wisdom and sometimes yes…the Mother Wound.
Most parents love their children and have the best of intentions. But all too often many do not have the emotional maturity or skills to provide optimal parenting for their children. The mother wound refers to when a mother projects some of her unprocessed childhood trauma onto her children. This is “usually” not intentional or conscious, but sadly happens none the less.
I’ve reflected upon sessions I’ve had this week with eight female clients who did not have mothers who they felt seen, heard, or understood by growing up. With changing first names to protect their identity, here are some brief insights into these examples:
* Kim’s mother sadly passed away when she was only seven.
* Sarah’s mom was consistent in taking care of basic, domestic and logistical needs, but had limited emotional maturity and awareness of her own feelings and needs to be able to attune to and have empathy for her daughter’s.
* Kiley’s mother suffered from chronic migraines, leading to feeling unwell and too depressed to notice her child’s state of mind and emotional needs. So for much of her life, Kiley became the caretaker.
* As a single parent, Barb’s mom was anxious and overwhelmed by parenting responsibilities. She was in a constant state of survival mode financially, exposing and unintentionally passing on this state of anxious scarcity alert onto her children.
* Iris’s mother had a drug addiction that left her unable to care for her child. She ultimately had to relinquish parental rights, handing over parenting to her sister to care for her daughter for most of her growing up years.
* Cathy’s mom suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder…lacking the psychological and interpersonal capacity to reflect upon, take responsibility for, and redirect attention from her own grandiose importance and desires, and perception of deprivation. Consequently, she has sadly not been able to acknowledge and fully appreciate the exquisite daughter that she has.
* Due to Renee’s mom’s very low self-esteem, she competed for attention with her own daughter, unable to hold benevolent space for, guide and celebrate her.
* Finally, the strict religious belief and lifestyle of Amy’s mom, has hindered their potential for honesty, closeness and trust.
These are just snippet examples of dynamics that some of my clients have shared. But the truth is that, throughout my career as a therapist, I’ve witnessed this deficit for so many hearts still grappling with how to heal and fill the void from this mother wound. I’ve also stood in such reverence … honored to bear witness to what happens when people reach out to receive and actively participate in their own self-hood journey. All of these women mentioned are committed to gaining deeper insight about their mother wound; healing it in such a way that it no longer infringes upon their own self-esteem, agency, or worthiness to give and receive love. What a beautiful sight to behold…as they peel away the layers of blame, shame, and grief … creating a deeper understanding and new narrative of compassion for their mothers, and for themselves. In doing so, they are breaking free from the grip this heart-wound has had for so much of their lives…emerging into the light of a more empowered sense of sovereignty.
If you are someone who is currently grappling with healing your mother wound, …I share with you a few laser focused truths to support you on your own journey:
1: What your mother could not give you is not and never was about you
2: She was on her own journey and could only give what she knew how to give
3: With a more neutral lens, you can look back with greater empathy for both of you…forgive what she was not able to provide… choose gratitude for what she could…and use all of it as lessons to serve you in your life moving forward…releasing what does not serve you and calling forth and expressing what does.
4: You are not your mother. You are forging your own unique path, choosing to authentically embody and express the truth of your heart.
5: Other women are also not your mother. See them for who they are and enjoy the rich blessings they can bring into your life.
May we honor our mothers for bringing us into this world, for the sacrifices they made, good intentions they had, for the true love they have given, and for what they have taught us. They are just but one of our teachers. The rest of life – is up to us. May we find and receive the brightest and most expansive form of mothering energy that exists…on earth and within each of us. This is also, our birthright.
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