To have the good fortune of having transcendent relationships in our lives is a very precious thing.
Some of these seem to flow, with hardly a glitch, while others periodically face us with uncomfortable confrontation – that often offer such profound gifts in the end.
This week, my client, who we will call “Sara” wanted to discuss a a dynamic with her long term friend, Lucy, that has created some distance between them. From her vantage point, when she wants to share something with Lucy, with the hope that she will listen and seek to understood what she is going thru…it’s often met with interruption, judgement, and an “I know best” unsolicited advice about how she should feel and what she should do.
Lucy came to her recently and said that she felt like she couldn’t share anything with her, unless it mirrors what she thinks, feels or wants; and that, when it’s not what she wants to hear, she notices Sara’s defensiveness and edge in her words and tone.
This communication pattern caused Sara to not want to share sensitive matters with Lucy, while Lucy pulled back…feeling unappreciated, and more hesitant to share her insight, feelings and offerings.
Our session focused on difference between sharing advice and giving space.
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Here’s a few take-ways that I hope will serve all of your relationships in your life:
Holding space is characterized by:
* The capacity and willingness to LISTEN to what the other person is saying
* The intention to SEEK TO UNDERSTAND their experience
* Offering to be available for more active feedback and/or assistance if and when needed or requested
Advice is appreciated when:
* It’s asked for
* It’s invited, after you check in: “I have some thoughts about this. Are you open to hearing them?”
* There is a serious enough issue that requires intervention, especially with children/teens/young adults
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After we discussed this, Sara went back to Lucy to apologize for her noticeable irritation and edgy responses. She shared her authentic feelings about what she really needs from her friend – which has been to simply be witnessed, and to feel her presence and compassion. Lucy, after a few deep breaths, heard what Sara needed and recognized imposing her feedback in the past. She promised Sara to practice being a “better holder of space” in the future.
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When we take the pause to mindfully learn to hold space for another, it can feel so good to the receiver and an honor for the listener. It creates an opportunity for a renewal of the relationship – that actually brings us deeper into intimacy – able to express truth to each other, which is neither intrusive or reactive.
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I invite you to reflect on if you too can benefit from asking someone very directly about what you need from them, and to learn and practice what it is and means to hold space.
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As Maya Angelous has said, “When we know better, we do better” …
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