Today was a dear friend’s birthday….Her son, David, who is going off to college soon wrote her a mother’s day card.
This was her son by marriage. His biological mother died when he was only two years old. This boy was suffering when she met him at the age of 8. He had never fully processed or healed the loss of his mother, had an anxious attachment to his father, and often appeared melancholy versus a spry/happy-go-lucky little boy.
The early years were tough together. He had an ambivalent and untrusting relationship with her, as he was terrified of losing his father and betraying the memory of his mother. So he either challenged her or was despondent on a regular basis.
Luckily she chose a prince of a husband who was very receptive to her feedback, letting her know “I have been alone with all of this and I need and welcome your thoughts, feelings and advice.” Besides being an incredibly intuitive and loving person, she is also a Psychiatrist so her feedback was spot on: “This child needs to learn social graces and tolerate boundaries” was the gist of some of her feedback.
Despite their united parental front, this took time (as all transitions do). Things would improve and then an unexpected feeling of regression would take place, but my friend hung in there and came to appreciate him as her spiritual teacher as well.
David learned the social graces she inspired. At first it sometimes appeared like it was learned but artificial. Time again prevailed, however, and eventually these graces David extended to others felt so beautifully authentic.
At his Barmitzva she toasted him with tears…..”You have a mother in heaven and a mother on earth who love you.” The tissue box was passed around and quickly emptied.
Two more sons were born, two brothers for David. Of course competitive strivings surfaced, especially in David’s early teens, but so did his understanding that there was enough love to go around….especially in this amazing family and extended family.
After seven years living together and seven years of him feeling loved no matter what, what appeared to be a “spoiled and depressed” kid turned into an impressive young man in every respect.
His college essay’s first line read: “I tried not to love her, ” and his birthday card for my friend today read, “You took a dysfunctional family of 2 and created a loving family of 5.”
Her parental job is mostly done and now, after not giving up on this child, she has a son who honors and cherishes her….sure to be a love affair forever.
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